Will I live through the day

June 15, 2003 started like all the other days I had spend in the Kuwaiti desert thus far. I was part of the 142 Military Intelligence Battalion and had been in one of the most northern camps in Kuwait for 2 months just waiting for a mission to take us across the border into Iraq. My Battalion was supposed to be in Turkey waiting to go south in to Iraq during the invasion but due to political pressure Turkey never allowed us to create a northern front. So hear I was in Kuwait without a mission and without a plan for what turned out to be 4 months.

The group I was with was part of the Utah National Guard and therefore had many latter day saints who were also retuned missionaries. Today was Sunday and we were congregated in a large tent for church services. I looked around and thought to my self “Not everyone can say they have been to church with a gun on their side.” After church I went back to my tent and started the monotonous routine of nothing to do all over again. After a few hours however one of our officers came by and stated he had found a mission for us to do, at least temporarily.

I reported to the officers’ tent and was informed that as of tomorrow morning we were going to start manning one of the security checkpoints into the camp. This meant that a group of soldiers would be selected each shift from all over the camp, and together would be responsible for checking vehicles coming into the base. “Oh Great” I thought to myself, we were not trained for such a task and every day we heard about car bombs going off and killing soldiers at these so called checkpoints.

To make matters worse I was told I would be the non-commissioned officer in charge of my group since I was the only sergeant of the group I was assigned to. So here we were about to carry out a task that none of us have been trained to do and the person in charge of making sure all goes well is me. I was scared and immediately started to say a prayer in my heart.

Through out the rest of the day I prayed frequently to overcome this feeling of great fear that began to swell inside of me. I kept thinking to myself that all would be ok and that I was only feeling scared because this was something I have never done. I prayed to have the Lord bring a feeling of peace to my soul and to assure me that it would be ok. As the day went on I began to feel more and more anxious that this answer to prayer was not coming.

At night I intensified my prayers and though about my family and future and dreams I wanted to carry out. I thought to myself, “this cant be I surely will not be harmed or die yet, the Lord will not allow it; I am not ready!” All night I agonized and cried out for a confirmation of peace, just a simple feeling of “it will be ok”. To my great surprise I did not get that feeling and I finally began to understand that maybe it was meant to be and just maybe, this was my time to end mortality.

I pondered that thought for a few hours and thought about what it would be like for my family to learn that I was killed in a car bomb explosion. I tried to imagine what my funeral would be like with military honors and all. I thought my mom would be a bit angry receiving an American flag as if that can replace her son and then I wondered if they would eventually be ok with my death being at the service of my country. I thought about my twin brother and wondered what life without me would be like for him. The bond between twins is very strong and my brother and I are among the strongest bond there can probably be. I wondered if he would feel the moment of my death even though we were separated by thousands of miles.

Finally morning came and I realized I had not slept all night. I had made it through the darkest hours and began to feel that maybe the sun would lift my spirits. I got up just before the sun rose and completed my preparation. I walked out of my tent and had about a half mile walk through the desert to reach the southern most entrance to the camp where I would be in charge of security for the next 10 hours. As I walked I prayed again hoping for one last chance to get a feeling of peace and confirmation that all would be ok. As I arrived at the check point I thought to my self “you know; its not that bad, I have lived a good life and I have loved everyone I have ever met. If today is my day to die, then let me die and meet my maker in high spirits.” At this very thought I had a sudden profound feeling come over me that at this very point in my life things were ok and, if I did die I would not stand ashamed in front of my Savior.

It was like having a very real lifting of weight off my shoulders and all of a sudden I began to cry. I got my answer; a warm feeling of peace came over me and I could almost hear a small whisper saying, “It will be ok.” I realized that the answer to my prayer was not “You will be safe”, it was “If anything happens today, if today is the day you die, its all ok.” So there I stood, alone in the desert, not far from the very place prophets of old had once stood and I experienced a very real and very profound personal revelation. The Lord had finally opened my mind and helped me understand that he did not promise me safety from being harmed or even killed in the next 10 hours but he did promise me that if such a thing happened, it was all ok, I was in good standing with him and I could stand proud before him. That was more comforting than I could have ever imagined.

I squared my shoulders and looked at the security checkpoint and at that moment I decided I would work hard today and endeavor to serve my men and help them carry out their mission for the day with safety and care. Never had I felt so good and confident and yet so sure that most likely something bad was about to happen and I might not live through the day. Fortunately we made it through the day without incident. We did have a scary moment that required aiming our guns and yelling at a driver to get back into his vehicle, but no explosions and no harm.

Four years have past since that day and still I remember the lesson the Lord taught me. He didn’t make me confident by saying I would be safe and out of harms way, he made me confident by teaching me that one-day we will surely die and the important thing is to be ready by being worthy. Luckily that day has not come yet, but I know it will one day and when it does it doesn’t matter how it happens or what I was doing, all that matters is that I’m ready. That day in the desert, I was, and the confidence and peace that knowledge gave me, was a thousand times better than just knowing I would be safe.